bro 4Self care.  Every day you see some site or vessel you’re using promoting how to better take care of yourself.  They seem to know what you want better than you do.  Whether it be a face mask, a bath, propaganda to buy yourself a new bag or gear, bike parts, that pineapple corer or a tool for whatever it is you’re into, cause lets face it, they are listening to every damn word you say.   They have a point.  Pampering yourself rules.  However, not in the style you might think.  Unfortunately the self care I’m ranting about today is not able to be purchased from a store.

When you think about taking care of yourself you think about what you can do to better yourself.  Of course a nap, water and some cold shit on your face will probably make you feel better for 15 minutes or hell, maybe the whole night, but that doesn’t fix the hole inside your soul .  That “take a bath and fuck the word” side of me doesn’t want cucumbers cooling my Terri-cloth covered bod, it wants to down a bottle of gin and dance to Betty Davis on my living room floor, but we all have our own way of functioning. This article should be guided more towards self preservation.  If you’re anything like me, you have a ton of shit wrong with you, but you also has a side of you that you appreciate and acknowledge that is creative and intelligent and doesn’t suck.   It’s hard to balance both for me personally.  The world around me filled with successful, buddy, flowing, flourishing, creative growth.  People I see doing things I only dream of, things that feel out of reach, yet I’m the only one stopping that.

There are points I get to every few years where I reevailuate. I question my life.  I question my position in my 30’s, where the hell the world assumes I’m supposed to be at and where I want to be.  In those times I let myself be open.  I’m a very open book to begin with, but I push myself a little further to look for what I want.  When I find it, sometimes I rush.  I feel a spark that makes me lunge into an urge.  It’s a feeling thats been guiding me since I was young.  It’s led me to both sides of the coin, the good and the bad.  I learn from both.  When I get too cocky I find the need to check myself.  There is a side to me that doesn’t know what I need, but as I get older I know my own old, stubborn ass a little better. Maybe it’s because I’m an Aries maybe it’s because I’m an asshole but I know the ins and outs of my flawed brain.

This style of thinking causes a lot of heartache and hardship.  Not just for me but for everyone involved.  People at my bar and close friends of mine would joke and tease about how impossible and ridiculous I was and they are right.  I am.  I’m ok with that though, especially as the years pass and the more people and places I encounter.  I know what doesn’t work for me, the problem is I’m spontaneous.  The mix is that I’m also obsessive and I overthink.  So I even out to a “normal” person, eventually.  Life for me has been a series of learning curves.  Knowing what I’m capable of, knowing whats actually possible, keeping sane, staying afloat financially; its all a mix of logic and emotion and it’s a hard juggle.  My goal has always been to please those around me, though when I do I never seem to be able to please everyone and I’ve noticed I never cut out the time for me.  I do here and there.  I ride for miles and miles aimlessly to try and find the blank slate that continues forever into the abyss when I’m on my motorcycle.  I listen to records and vanish to a different time and place.  I make art and dive headfirst into any project that catches my eye and I do it fully. I don’t love myself like I should.  Very often my happiness is coming from others.  It’s a cycle I watch repeat like a dirty load of wash spinning before my eyes, like an old memory of me at a local wash station on Knickerbocker 10 years in my past.

When do we decide for ourselves what’s best?  Is it based on dreams when we’re  children that you develop and structure throughout the following years?  Does it fully change each step you take until you’ve built a foundation? Do you ever really know?  Or do you just go through another phase and then write a blog entry where an entire paragraph is open ended rhetorical questions?  This I do not know, but I what I do know is that life is fucking short.

For what I’ve experienced in my  life, I know that I can’t waste this precious time thinking about it.  Now is my time to fix myself and to do what I can add to the lives of others in my life.   Getting to a place where you are fully charged and can jump the next passer by.  It changes for all of us, we all desire something different, we all dream of vast landscapes and golden dreams, but the truth is it all ends.  Anytime.  I chose now to focus on the things that I know will help me better the world, will hurt those around me less, will lead me to a better understanding with myself and will stitch me closer to my family and my sanity.  Forever grateful I will be for the love I’ve been lucky enough to experience in my life.  The wonderful, magical beings I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for one day, several months or my whole life. I collect those feelings in shelves inside my chest.  They sit there like the hallways of gold and platinum records at Graceland.  They remind me how beautiful and giving the world is.

There are times, like now, when I pull away from that love.  When I need to ground myself.  It’s the most painful pattern I have, but I know it’s one that keeps me sane.  The problem is it usually will cause someone in my life pain.  The only way I can justify this is knowing I’m doing the right thing.  I know wrong and right and it gets clearer with age.  So to end this rant, I feel like self care is what you make it.  Sometime you know what the answer is, sometimes you need to change the equation to see if the answer stays the same.  Love yourself and love others the only way you now how.  Learn from your mistakes and  enter and leave every situation with love and honesty.  Rant over.